The idea for this website was born in October 2012, when in reconnecting to my dreams I realized I wanted to have my personal online space with all the different creative works I would engage in: in music, in photography, and in writing. A few months later, I joined an online course which demonstrated me a power of community, of being surrounded by people who believe in you and root for you in achieving your dreams. Thus, in May 2013 I started to build this website, with my first steps in registering a domain name, buying a hosting space, and installing a WordPress…
This website has been a cry for my personal freedom amidst a long and deep personal struggle. For a certain period, I focused it on an alternate identity, a person who had certain parts of the life I wanted to live and none of that struggle. It was liberating to write about exploration, discoveries, adventures. It was empowering to live that dream at least to some extent, at least during some hours and days of my life.
The launch of LYL LOCAL in January 2014 has shifted something in me. At our first event I felt I could be me as a whole, I could say the whole truth, I did not have to hide anything, neither dreams nor struggles. I opened the curtain to the other side.
The events of the summer of 2014 threw me back a thousand miles. A thought “I don’t have a place to sleep this night, and I can’t find it” triggered a very traumatizing experience. It lasted for a week of that trip, and then continued back in Germany: I facing the similar issue over again, with letting go of my apartment to move to another city, and facing difficulties with finding a new place to live.
For three months I have been barely surviving, each day facing anxiety attacks, with difficulties with taking myself out of the bed, out on my way for commute to the office, or for mindless walks around the city. Weekends were spent on the bed in even more mindless watching of YouTube. I did not feel alive. I felt terrified of life. And I felt terribly, terribly alone.
The life made me a gift, and in November I could move to Hamburg as I desired from the beginning of that summer. I began to relax and calm down. A colleague helped me with moving my belongings. The social life of meetups was much closer and accessible. I have found a friend who showed me a few places and introduced me to weekly group meditation sessions. The energy of my favorite city was healing me. In December 2014, I went to a conference in Berlin and celebrated Christmas in a lovely company of friends who I have not met up until that day. Things seemed wonderful, and they were.
And then they weren’t. The funding of the project finished without me finishing the project. My passport expired, and with the new passport I went to the Foreigner’s Office to extend my residence permit… to discover that the amount of savings I had was not meeting the minimal amount they wanted to see. And then I booked my plane tickets in a hope that I would figure it out. And then I went for a month to Marseille, still hoping that I will figure the financial question later, but knowing that that was my best chance to experience the city.
And then I did not figure it out. I fell in love with Marseille and France and I could not hide the lack of desire to stay in Germany. I needed a temporary job, and I could not hide the lack of skills, of commitment, of interest, of self-confidence… I got in a quicksand with the progress on the PhD project, and I could not hide the lack of energy from myself, I could not ignore that the end was not far but my progress towards it was close to non-existent.
So, this is about the place where I am now in my life.