Yesterday I described a certain bridge in my life from the initial seed for the idea of having a website to the present moment. I hadn’t been writing through the summer and most of the fall — I was concerning myself too much with the struggle and too little with creativity.
Who am I now? — I would like to ask myself today as a way of easing into a new wave of writing, once again triggered and inspired by the Live Your Legend Blogging Challenge (and also as a way of paying my tribute to Scott Dinsmore, the LYL founder, who always believed in blogging as one of the most powerful self-discovery tools available).
Who I am has changed a lot over the past five years, and quite substantially even over the last few months… I mean, who I really am never changed, but my thoughts and perceptions did. The whole idea of identity, of personality does not seem that important to me anymore, because now I realize how so much of life happens from an impersonal place. I see the world much less as a reality and much more as an illusion. I might even have occasional glimpses of oneness… but not yet.
Do I describe myself differently than before? In the spring and the beginning of the summer, it seemed a good idea to talk about me as a life artist, aspiring musician and photographer. Just about a month ago I was strongly considering adding “a transformational coach” to my bio on certain sites (and I probably will do it one day). Right now, I think that all that stuff is less important than me being a presence in the ocean of infinite possibility.
Yes, that “ocean” is being unsettled with storms of personal thinking, beliefs in own capabilities and limitations, specific dreams and desires and fears… and those still appear that they matter from time to time, influence the experience of life, but the unfolding of life — not so much.
As I mentioned yesterday, I don’t have it figured out. I am sitting there not sure when my next portion of income would come from. With a certain stubborness about the constraints regarding what I don’t want to do, where I don’t want to live, how I don’t want to show up in my life. And a lot of other limitations that are hanging there in my thinking. Would I transcend them? Probably, but not necessarily as soon as I would like it to happen.
I made a pause after what I’d written above, because writing about the nothing (the ocean) had resurfaced some feelings of emptiness in me. After all, it is nothing, right? No. Not really. It is that nothing from where everything comes from. Paradoxically, it is that nothing where we want to get with most of our goals, dreams, desires. It is the space where peace, freedom, and happiness take place. Without it, we can’t experience excitement, we can’t experience joy, we can’t experience love.
Nothing is the unknown which is one of the rare things that can be known. Nothing is the uncertainty which is one of the rare things we can be certain about. Nothing is something which no words can adequately describe.
It is weird to understand that anything that I can say is temporal, finite, impermanent. But that’s probably the secret of the healthy human functioning: this transient nature of our words and actions does not have to stop us from saying those words and doing those actions.
At the moment of this writing, I am a person who is a foreigner in the European Union on the grounds of being a student, the condition that is going to end soon in one way or another.
Right now, I am fascinated by the spiritual, by the inside-out understanding of the human experience. I experience certain benefits that this understanding has brought to me, and I would love to share them with others. I see coaching as an exciting and enjoyable way to move towards that activity. Right now it seems that the time I have until the money on my bank account and the visa expiration date is not enough to move towards a sustaining practice, plus currently I am not legally allowed to do that anyways.
I want to move to France, because I feel myself resonating with the country and the language. I love Marseille, I don’t like Paris, and I’ve seen only small bits and pieces of elsewhere.
I have learned software development as the bachelor and master student, got excellent marks and diploma with honors. For 4.5 years since that I have been involved in a solo PhD project that focused on something very specific for which I don’t have a specific interest, while I have to a large degree missed out on web and mobile technologies and other stuff in high demand on the market.
I feel very attracted to music and photography as the artistic ways of expressing something that has been wanting to come through me for a long time, but for most of that time I have been too lost in thought to actually let it.
Relationship with writing has been somewhat more successful, as writing seems less demanding than other forms of expression or activity. It suffices to have a pen and a notebook, or a laptop, a certain level of comfort and a quiet or relaxed atmosphere. And the willingness to let it flow.
I know that I want to write this week, and I feel myself capable of doing that. I don’t know if anything will come out of that, if anything particular happens, or even if I continue writing after this week finishes. But I am curious enough to find it out for myself.