I was spending an evening in the warm company of my dear friend Megan, and she asked me to tell a story in Russian (which is considered to be my native language).
For some reason, it was very hard to start. First of all, in a strange way I don’t have many stories running in my mind… But as I think now, there was an element of vulnerability… very close to what have been stopping me from sharing my music, my poetry, my dreams or even simply saying hi to a stranger. At some moments, there is a concern that the person will not understand. And a fear that they decide to react to their not-understanding from some other place that acceptance, kindness or love (having been bullied and laughed at at the school probably doesn’t help).
What came up as a story to tell was the story of my first trip to the sea with my family. And as I was talking, going sideways and including bits and pieces of other memories when they were relevant, I had a few realizations about my life, about me as a person, about events and things that became important for me.
Here, it might be a function of how memory works. That we tend to remember and recall things that are important for us in one way or another. So the concentration of important stuff is not be such a big surprise as I thought while telling the story. But what these important things are… Here are a few of them, in a random order:
- The first impression of the sea stayed with me. Its vastness, its movements, and the sound of the waves. I would really like to live by the sea.
- I got a taste for travel and discovery. And travel by train :)
- I was often dissatisfied with myself, with how I looked on the photos, with how I felt in my body.
- There are a few places which I have seen only briefly, and it would be great to explore them in depth.
- I never could drink a beer, and I never really enjoyed alcohol past a really small dose.