What if all I’m thinking about my PhD was wrong?
What if my habits of thought stand in the way of seeing the good of it?
Is there anything I could be afraid of seeing?
How can I look at the work with a fresh sight?
Guided by these questions (in a slightly different order), what I began to comprehend is that I might be trying to prove to the world that PhD is not right for me, and creating my inability to complete it as an extra proof. Because what if I complete it and it will actually serve me in the good way? People could say I had been wrong all the time. Even worse, I would have to admit I was wrong.
But do I really care about being right?
What do I care about?
I care about the woman I love, and I care about us becoming a family and having children together.
I care about finding my way to serve other people through coaching, mentoring and supporting them.
I care about expressing the creative gifts I receive into this world. I care about art. I care about beauty, truth, and love.
And being wrong about the PhD is not that important. I think I start to grasp that intellectually but I am still “one thought away” from understanding it on a deeper level.
I may be loved.
I may be capable.
I may be worthy.
I may be enough.
I may be lucky.
I may be successful.
I may be resourceful.
I may be… be myself.
And I don’t need the walls in my head. They are there, as it is natural for the humans, for our personal minds to create systems, models, structure. To build a fundament on beliefs and build walls of our limitations. But that’s not true.
What’s true is that there is always fresh thought available. Moment to moment to moment. And if we don’t worry about our cups getting empty, we can access the flow.
And when I don’t pour the old tea in the cup, most of the time I can be actually OK with what I find there.
Because it is OK.
Because I can wonder at the cup itself. At our ability to be a conductor for the thought. At our capability to create something out of nothing, form from the formless.
And I can also wonder at the feeling of peace that comes with it. At the feeling of the truth of the formless. The beauty of nothing. The capacity of the pure Thought.
Hang on in there.
It is healing.