In the previous part, I mentioned the strong and heavy desire which easily grows from a combination of visual attractiveness of a girl, her positive attention to me, and my feelings of existential loneliness. The pain of the love relationships that were built on this foundation lied in the fact that this desire, indeed, used to be very heavy for those whom I loved. But to get to the core, I probably have to go to the very beginning…
First time I fell in love in 2002, at the age 13. I can’t say if that love was founded on anything in particular. Probably, I was just reaching the age when my sexuality would wake up and kick in, and she was just representing a kind of girl whom I would like… She was generally positive, open, active, talented and involved in many things… Of course, she was beautiful. Of course she was special. She’ll always be special for me.
Unfortunately, that love woke up in the context of mild bullying to me from the classmates. I had an attitude of “the world is against me”, thus was emotionally isolated from the group. This love was born in a predisposition of “I don’t deserve her”.
To express my feelings, I wrote a love letter and made a “playlist” of love songs for her. That was still in the age of magnetic tape, so I made a compilation tape for her, and put the letter in the case. I handed it over to her after classes one day.
A few days or weeks later, we talked at her kitchen… when I was “just passing by her home”. She was kind in her response. She said that I was a nice boy, but she already had a boyfriend and …
The worst thing is that I had absolutely zero relevant experiences. I had no idea of what I was supposed to do, of what I could do in such situation. The feelings took control over me. This was the time when, little by little, evenings of listening to music sitting on the window and long walks slowly became “my thing” (which were joined together a bit later when my mom agreed to buy me a CD-player for Christmas).
I also put an avalanche of attention onto the girl during the school time. And this is it that was heavy. And this is it that I still feel very, very shameful of. I could probably ask for forgiveness… but I won’t be able to take my actions, the stress and the pressure they created for her during those months and years.
Such was my first experience of love… Non-mutual, not joyful, in a sense, forming the self-confirmed belief that I don’t deserve love. To complete the package, I had a feeling of total misunderstanding / lack of acceptance by my peers, parents and family to come with it. My mom was trying to say to me that “this too shall pass”, advised me on not taking it too seriously. But for me in the moment it was serious. It was strong. It was burning me from the inside. And it seemed that I had absolutely no control. I was alone, so alone…
Eventually, I found a teacher who took a mentorship over me. Who accepted and supported me emotionally. I started writing poems… I wrote a lot of them. Eventually, I even made a compilation of them and presented during the graduation (informally) to my favorite teachers and to that girl whom I loved.
The year two-zero-zero-seven started with me in a good stable relationship with a girl with whom I had shared the very first kiss in my life a couple of years before… By 2007, our relationship had grown from a “purely romantic” one, through tender touches and kisses, to a very sexual one.
We were very close to sex – first sex in my life. But when the time came… I failed. There was too much excitement and too much thought pressure, too much stress about buying condoms for the first time in my life (“ohlala, it’s so SHAMEFUL!” – was running in my mind) and even more stress about the possibility of the parents coming back… Everything happened so unplanned and spontaneous and was simply too much and too fast for one day. And this failure left a trace of shame on my side of our relationship…
But what’s even more shameful for me to admit… It’s the thought that ran through my mind a couple of weeks later, and the fact that I actually gave this thought my attention… And the thought was
How will I know if she is the best [for me] if I had never really been with anyone else?
What this thought turned into is that a couple of weeks later, when I met my online friend on a concert of my favorite band… we have fallen in love from the first sight — which was crazy in itself — and I left my “stable” girlfriend in favor of this passion and excitement of a new girl.
About three months later, I learned that the new love dumped me to have sex (her first sex) with somebody else… and then the guy dumped her a short time after, as easily as she dumped me.
Karma all around, don’t you think?
Over the summer and fall of 2007, I had a couple of short and awkward dating experiences with friends. And then there was the Grand Finale of the year and one of the major turning points of my life.
I discovered a girl online, by the virtue of her being a friend of my friend on a social network…
And I fell in love immediately, just by her picture…
Surprisingly, she responded to my messages.
She also got interested in me.
And she seemed to have fallen in love with me as well, even before we met.
And this was a dream coming true. Our conversations, our love letters, our non-stop text messages… We had the same favorite author. We shared some favorite bands, and even the most favorite song of the most favorite band at the time. When we finally met, it was fantastic. It was cold but not freezing. It was snowing. We took a walk. I loved her with all of my heart.
She was doing some piercing as a hobby, and I was interested in piercing my ear. So we went to a small shop, found an earpiece (a smile), went to her place and she pierced my ear… When we kissed, it was incredibly warm, and soft, and gentle… And I loved her, with all of my heart.
But less than two weeks later (and barely over a month since I first saw her photo), it was over. She decided that she did not wanted it anymore, and she never explained to me, why…
And that began the most painful time of my life.
And again, there was no one to help or support me… Just look from the outside: only about a month into relationship, only two dates, no sex… Why would anyone take it seriously? Anyone but me… Because again, for me that was a perfect relationship, a dream coming true… And then she took it away from me without telling her reasons… And I was lost. Really, really lost.
I went into a deep, black-and-grey depression for a good part of the following year and a half, until I met and chose to be with a girl who slowly healed me from this depression and brought joy back to my life. That became the longest active relationship of my life… but I hurt that girl at the beginning, we hurt each other in the middle, and it was all very bitter when it fell apart.
It just felt as the Karma kept circling around…