We tend to confuse so many things… I have been noticing a few typically confused pairs – for example, introversion and shyness, or leadership and authority. Recently, one more pair was added to this list: depression and unhappiness.
And this pair came from my visit to TEDxJacobsUniversity. The theme of the event was “Science: the tree of life”, and many talks tended towards being scientific more than inspirational, but one of them was different: Tilak KC, the President of the Graduate Student Association at Jacobs University Bremen, shared his personal story of living through and overcoming depression. From his talk, and post-event discussions was born my biggest takeaway from the event: awareness that I might be a bipolar (aka have a manic-depressive disorder).
I don’t feel comfortable of identifying myself with a disorder, because that could fix my mind on it and turn it into a self-fulfilling prophecy even if I don’t actually have it… But at the same time, this new awareness brings me some relief and guidance. I realize that my energy level, physical and emotional states may have direct correspondence with neither my current nor my previous thoughts or actions. They may jump up or down just because of changes in the hormonal levels (which reach and pass certain thresholds). And I don’t have that much conscious control over those.
What it means that I might as well stop blaming myself and fighting myself. I can accept what is there, what is real and present. And I can learn to orient myself within this limits… And at certain periods I can decide to rise above them.
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Tilak told that many of great authors and composers found their escape from depression in the art. It aligns very well with the idea that I found in “Mindfire”, Scott Berkun‘s book of essays, that many of the great artists might have been less talented than their peers and competitors but they simply put in more hours, they overworked more talented others. Combined with the idea expressed by Tilak, it created a new perspective on the matter in my mind: these artists not necessarily wanted to work so much… It might as well be that they were not able do anything else, working on their art was the only thing that was giving them relief and freedom from the heavy chains of their depression.
And the latter is absolutely true for me. Creating art is not easy. Never has been, never will be. It takes huge amounts of time and effort. But when I am creating, I feel alive, I feel free. And I don’t want to exchange it for anything else. I want to go full-in into making art.
Also, what my art actually is… It is an expression of my state. I am not driven by any ideas or visuals. My music, especially improvisations, expresses my energy level, my physical and emotional state. If I wake up energized, the music that I play will be faster and powerful, if I wake up sad or weak, the music will be slower, more melodic and melancholic… In composing I also notice that the sadder the melody I write down, the lighter and easier I feel myself after finishing it.
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My own story of depression began in 2007. I was deeply hurt in May, and then, not fully recovered yet, was hurt even deeper in December of the same year. Which broke me. It sent me down to the very bottom, starting a long row of days and weeks and months of questioning the existence of any meaning or worthiness (especially worthiness) of my life.
In the end of that December, we went with my mom to shop for holiday presents, and I have found the book “7 habits of highly effective teens” which attracted my attention so much that I asked my mom to buy it for me. The book explained me that the immediate emotional troubles came as the consequence of centering my life around relationships, around those girlfriends… who had left me. That was my first “a-ha” in the self-development field (and I count my interest to the field from that moment – 6 years so far!). It gave me an explanation and showed a direction to grow – shift the center of my life to principles… But the heart was broken anyway, and I was still trapped in the dark.
Things seemed to become brighter in Summer 2009 when I started dating a wonderful girl… but they were not bright for too long. In September, they dimmed significantly, and next Summer they fell apart again – while I was still in a relationship. So, when neither dating nor being in a relationship proved not to be an ultimate answer… I turned to work.
It seemed to me that the reason for my despair was that my work at the time was not contributing to anyone’s life, was not making anyone happier. Neither it was making me happy. Nor it was meaningful to me. And the upcoming PhD project was definitely not an answer for this.
Then I came to Germany, and existential loneliness was added on top of the pile. I was working in a room with other PhD students, and spending time on a campus with loads of other people, but I could not relate to any of them. I had no one to share the important deep thoughts, desires, successes or challenges with.
For more than a year, all my attempts to change the situation led to nothing. During that time, my friend and mentor opened my eyes to the possibility of internally fused well-being (“there is no way to happiness, happiness is the way”). He turned me first to the materials of Steve Pavlina about conscious personal growth, and some time later – to the teachings of Abraham (one of the most fundamental sources of information related to the popularized “Law of Attraction”).
It was helpful as it assisted me to get out of the box of the “programming” and conditioning of my childhood and teenagehood, make an audit and a review of my thoughts and beliefs and get rid of many limiting ones. I learned a lot about how our mind and life work. However, it still was not a full answer. I still felt bad quite often.
Over the year 2013, I found online friends in the (How to) Connect With Anyone community, the launch of LikzLife became a first answer to the work part, and stepping up to be a host for Live Your Legend LOCAL became a first answer to the contribution part. That put me to the top of my game for a month or two, as the most screaming internal and external reasons for my malady were covered. But then it came back.
And the TEDx event helped me to finally get a glimpse on the over-arching reason for those “bad times”. It is simply who I am. It is simply how my physical body functions. There are some periods when I am very receptive to well-being, and some periods when the all-time good advice “follow your heart and do something you feel like doing” simply does not work at all. Because at those periods I don’t feel like doing anything. Everything becomes grey. The body hurts. The mind gets foggy. The heart freezes. The spirit gets silent.
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I think, so far the best answer (or advice) was given to me by the book “Inside Out Revolution” by Michael Neill. (And it is funny that I would call it an advice even though the book does not have any advices or exercises. It simply presents a three-principles-based perspective on the nature of life and reality in a conversational tone. But it is an amazing read and can be transformational in appropriate contexts.)
One of the ideas relayed in the book is that every human being has innate mental health. That we actually don’t have to do anything to return to that health. That with our thoughts and actions we only distance ourselves from the well-being. We are the ones who bring the clouds to the sunny sky of our own happiness.
And, by the way, this advice translated by Michael Neill is exactly what the newly acquired awareness tells me to do: do less, stop fighting, stop creating problems of something that simply is.
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Going spiritual, I would dare to say that this is how Life steers us into fulfilling our Destiny. It uses whatever means it has available and appropriate for the Purpose. I would say that for me, for now, the Purpose shines through the sad music. And it might as well be that as soon as I write what is mine to write, the Life might steer me into a different direction. Maybe it will bring me peace, bring me even more joy and happiness that I have been experiencing. Maybe not. Maybe it will never change.
In any case, I feel the best I can do is to follow the Guidance and not try to force any terms by the conscious mind.
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Please share your feelings, thoughts, advices, and own stories in the comments.
Comments
I always liked the experiment done with manic depressives where they made them physically change their bodies to stand up as straight as they could, look straight up and smile as big as they could. They stopped reporting unhappiness and some of them stood like that for 40 minutes because they hadn’t felt happy in so long.
If you think about a depressed person, how is their posture? Are they slouched or standing straight up? Are they breathing shallow or deeply? Are they looking down or up?
Change your body and your mind follows. Change your mind and your body follows.
Dan, it seems to me that you are doing exactly what I pointed to: confusing depression and unhappiness.
I will add a link to Tilak’s talk as soon as it gets published, but another quote from there: “I can say that I’m happily depressed”.
I use the tricks you have mentioned whenever I become aware of “negative” body posture or other activities. They help me to feel easier, quite often they may even bring me joy and a genuine smile on my face, but the foundation does not change. They do not make me more energetic, active, willing to engage in something and make things happen. Smiling is much better than frowning, but it is a totally different topic.
Hi Lik,
Thank you for sharing this part of yourself. I’m glad to see that you are actively seeking ways to overcome the cloudy and shadowy days within. I touched on this in my blog in the article entitled “To Be Or Not To Be: On Contemplating Suicide.”
There is also a book called “Creating Optimism” (Bob Murray, Ph.D), a doctor who sought to help his wife, who was also a doctor (I think they both were psychologists), to cure her depression, which were also triggered from past hurts and emotional trauma.
Hope the book and/or my article give you something that can help you pivot your direction. You’re going to get there, buddy. *HUGS*
~Yazminh
Hey Yaz, thank you for caring, but I don’t understand what you mean :) Which direction do I have that you would like me to pivot? What is the place where you would like me to get?
Yes, I do have foggy days. But it’s entirely up to me to choose to be displeased and discontent over it or accept them and look for their own beauty. Have you seen the street lights on the foggy night? They are amazing!
The change that I’m making is stopping fighting the fog when it’s there. Fighting is useless. I might get exhausted but the fog will still be there. And when I step back and appreciate it for what it is, then it may clear up all by itself.
Hi Lik,
Another lifelong (intermittent) depression struggler here! Know you are definitely not alone. For whatever reasons, creativity and depression seem to be cousins. The artist suffers when not making art, that is for sure!! My latest blog post touches on finally making peace with it in my life.
I’m not sure if “bipolar” is the term you intend or strictly depression/anxiety, because as I understand the disorder (and have had friends who were medicated for it), bipolar depression is severe disabling dark periods contrasted with extremely high periods where people can sometimes go days without sleep because they are so “wired.”
I just yesterday read a great article linked below on the topic to pass along, but I like your insights! What is more important than any book is how you understand it for yourself. I have had people in my life question whether I was bipolar and urge me to have a complete psychiatric evaluation, which I did, which turned up nothing but mild depression and seasonal depression due to less natural light.
I have decided for me the best tack is to recognize I will never alleviate my depression more than very temporarily from an external source (relationships, moving locations, jobs, etc.). I sure tried. I moved locations 34 times between age 18 and 30!! And years ago I went to a psychologist once and only once who told me my depression was due solely to not having a boyfriend. Last time I sought counsel from that dude! This is a very outdated view in modern psychology.
“That we actually don’t have to do anything to return to that health. That with our thoughts and actions we only distance ourselves from the well-being. We are the ones who bring the clouds to the sunny sky of our own happiness.”
What you say here is wonderful, and meditation helps me stay aware of this. In meditation I find all the moods appear like weather forms in my mind – they can come and go like clouds but there is always the thriving healthy planet of me below.
Take good care of you!
http://www.brainpickings.org/index.php/2014/03/24/the-depths-rottenberg-depression/
Hi Erin! Thank you for the response!
Yes, I intended to use “bipolar” in the post, although in the end I mostly focused on the dark side of the things. I do have periods which feel like the life started flowing, I take on loads of new projects, as if trying to overcompensate for the downtime. Things seem to work… for a while. At the same time, everything moves so fast I should hold strongly not to fall out. But then, one day I wake up and realize that it does not feel good anymore.
And as I mention, I am not saying that I have a disorder, and I rather not say it. But awareness that such condition exists helps me to see my own life more clearly, and make wiser choices.
The authenticity and vulnerability you have shown by putting your personal struggles in this post is amazing. Respect.
To quote what you said, “But when I am creating, I feel alive, I feel free. And I don’t want to exchange it for anything else.” This is exactly how I feel when I am in the state of flow while writing.
Looking inward and questioning things that you always assumed to be true about yourself is a very strong starting point. Keep creating art, Lik. Best of luck.
Thanks, Debashish! I put authenticity in everything I do, and I use the quote from Brené Brown as a guidance: “Your experience here cannot exceed your willingness to be vulnerable”. I desire to connect with people deeply, and it all starts with me sharing my dreams and aspirations as well as struggles and challenges without holding back.